Today I reached that peak of hypomania in which it hit me hard and everything suddenly came crashing down. Each time it happens, I struggle to find the best way to describe what has been going on but I think I finally found it.
Two days ago I had an incredibly wonderful day. We went to the food truck Rodeo, solidified two clients, recorded for another client, and got to finally see Aquaman and have fun critizing it the whole time. I mean, it wasn't awful but there were plenty of missed opportunities and some strange song choices. Despite that, it was a great day and my brain was in a very good place.
Yesterday comes around and I feel a natural repulsion away from my work. I notice an inner critic creeping in as I navigate my to-do list and feel like I'm moving slower down my list than normal while also feeling more distracted than usual. I spent a lot of time on my phone and I know this because I only charge my phone once a day. Last night I had to charge it again. A pretty clear sign.
Cut to today and I am not even remotely interested in working. I just want to eat everything in sight and play video games all day. But I have work to do, so I grabbed enough food to fill me up and get to work. Once I ate more than enough I felt my brain not being satisfied. As if my mind said "OK, what else?!" and decided to take a walk instead of ducking around on my phone.
It was then that I realized I was crashing.
I came back home and just felt complete dread. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to do my work. I was judging myself harshly for it, which is not normal for me. And my physical energy just sunk.
We're here. We're in it.
But what's happening in my brain?
I don't have a very science-y answer for this but I'll try and paint a picture. None of this next part is real and hope that's obvious but hey, you never know.
Most of the time I feel pretty much in control of my destiny, what I'm doing and my demeanor. But what I don't realize is that I'm being watched. Not actually, but in my psyche it feels like something else is slowly making its way into my life. Like a noise in the distance that doesn't seem like anything is wrong and whatever is stalking me seems totally harmless. And actually, it's making me feel good but still no idea it's there.
The next day I grow a little more suspicious as there are slightly more noises and I think I see something in my peripheral vision from time to time but ultimately nothing is there. Distracting me here and there.
But then the real fun happened today when I'm harmlessly sitting down to work to only hear another noise. I turn around in my chair and suddenly my awareness is completely blinded by the sight of a gang of Clockwork Orange-like Pandas standing there in V-formation. They don't do any harm at first. They just came in unannounced and just started working on stuff. Using my whiteboard, making plans and writing checks.
At first it actually seems pretty great. These fantastic Pandas are getting shit done. This is fantastic. They just keep working faster and faster. Then one of them buys something on Amazon, which I find odd but OK. Soon enough they're making so much commotion that I can't help but watch what they're doing. They're working but it becomes less elegant over time. There's paper everywhere, the writing is all scribbles, and things are being thrown. Soon enough they stop agreeing with each and just start throwing chairs at each other. Insults are flying despite them not speaking and chaos ensues. I'm just baffled and speechless, arrested.
But then suddenly it stops. They all stare at each other then stare at me. No gestures or motions. They just suddenly leave. They leave me with the chaos and pieces to pick up. The main part of my psyche is knocked out on the floor (Ti), my secondary is useless and cheering for them to come back (Ne), my 10-year-old self (Si) is trying to keep the work going but not getting nearly anything accomplished and my 3-year-old (Fe) is just sitting on the table in tears not knowing what to do.
There's nothing left to do but wait until Ti wakes up to handle the mess and coordinate everyone back into action. For now, we just sit there and cry.
We don't know where the Pandas came from. We don't know when they'll be back. We just know that they will.
🐼 🐼 🐼 🐼 🐼