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Letting Go of Idealized Healing

I'm no expert on healing but I think there's a very romantic notion within us that healing means confronting someone with all of our trauma from them, having them fully hear and accept it, apologize, and suddenly everything is fixed.

Again, no expert, but I don't think this literal confrontation is the key to healing.

It's often our relationship to the past that needs healing.

That ideal confrontation is still fixed on the other person.

But healing is yours and that growth is what inspires other growth.

Acceptance, in my mind, is emotional systems thinking. How did the hurt make its way to you?

It's not about judgment but not making excuses either.

Abuse happened. Perhaps it's still prone to happen. What now? Those next steps look different for everyone.

My processing pattern seems to be in first seeing what actually happened then feeling anger about it and eventually letting it go.

Now "letting it go" doesn't mean dissociation...it means non-attachment and not carrying that underlying hurt into everything else.

Non-attachment for me also means that when something similar comes up that because I've processed it and have felt that anger I truly know what it means to me and I can either set that boundary or conquer that energy.

Former tactics lose power.

For example, I got hit with the belt a lot when I was a kid. The reasons were a bit erratic and I definitely didn't deserve it.

It served the parent in that it created an emotional reaction and made me compliant.

One day in my mid-teens it just didn't have an effect on me anymore.

Now, things escalated and all sorts of other issues but that particular issue I was able to outgrow and regain some power. And for me, that's the process. To gain power in each little space that has affected my character as an adult. And eventually, each thing gets let go.

So, I can't speak to what your path maybe but the point is that your relationship to the past or the person is what needs healing. You cannot go after the other person to change. You grow and therefore they maybe change. Adjust accordingly.

But changing or punishing the other person as your motivation is a losing game and only keeps the cycle going.

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