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How an ADHD Episode Leaves Me Feeling Vulnerable



I had an ADHD episode yesterday and am feeling particularly vulnerable about it. Just a depleted mess. I realized I'm overwhelmed by time-based struggles already as an INTP but throw in prioritizing, overwhelm and a need to focus singularly and its a storm of dopamine depletion. I can function quite well if I can freely bounce between projects or satisfy my whims. Once I have to push through prioritized specific projects it's like I'm put in a vice and drained of any good feeling. When I prioritize it opens up planning which is a hot mess too. I'd rather not have to set something aside for later that I really want to do now but that puts me "behind" in others areas. It's this prioritization and hierarchy that's stressful. It's difficult to do, define and maintain. Another challenge yesterday is I'm doing work right now that involves a lot of searching and each time I search without a satisfying result it's like -5 chemical feel goods when for the average person its -1 but the work needs getting done so I push until I crash. Explaining is difficult. If I could transfer the feeling you'd get it. That's the key difference is what and how much this drains my chemical interest in anything. It's not being "bored" or "distracted" like an NP, it's a chemical drain for not satisfying the feedback loop. ADHD is an executive function challenge, so difficulty with:


- Attention and Focus

- Organizing and Planning

- Mental Flexibility

- Emotion Regulation

- Impulse Control


I struggle with every single one. I try not to over-identifying with these struggles but reality hits. And often I feel quite stupid for not being able to continue or to focus or to adapt or to manage my emotions or not give in to distraction. I push, I persist. I've been working on designing my life to allow for flow in spite of it. But again, reality hits. It's not easy. I don't want to be all woe is me about it. I'm sharing to get the words and emotions out to recalibrate. It's my responsibility to find the path forward. I'm going to reconcile with what I have to set aside, get everything out of my head onto my master list and redefine the path. This book still helps to remind myself of what's going on, give myself some space, and recalibrate.